Nowadays Metallica is the biggest band on the planet, but let’s take a step back in time to the early 80’s, when they were just a underground hard rock band in San Diego. Rather than review each of their albums track by track, which would take for-fucking-ever, I’ll just go ahead and review each of their albums one by one. The sooner you’re done reading this shit, the sooner you can get to fuckin’ headbanging HXC STYLE! FUCK YEAH!
Album by Album review:
1. “Kill ‘Em All (1983)” This album is fucking old and it sounds like it was recorded in the fucking 80s. Oh wait! That’s because it was! Fuck this shit. If you like gay 80’s music it’s okay I guess but then again you probably listen to Michael Jackson or something too (RIP) 1/5
2. “Ride the Lightning (1984)” Ride the Lightning rides my fucking dick. This shit sounds so fucking old oh my fucking goddddd. Some faggots will tell you that the compositions were better back then and that you need to look past the fact that it was recorded in a tin fucking can, but they usually have long-ass hippie hair and shit. Fuck this album. 1/5
3. “Master of Puppets (1986)” Once again, the songs are all fucking ruined by shit audio quality. Which is a fucking shame, since Master of Puppets and Battery are pretty cool songs. Just look them up on YouTube if you want to hear them in good audio quality (like 320kbps and shit) instead of on this fucking trash. 1/5
4. “…And Justice for All (1988)” Finally the albums are starting to sound good! Unfortunately, the songs all suck, except for One, which is track 4 for some stupid reason. It should have been track 1, so I could turn this fucking album off once I’m done listening to it! Just fucking download the song from Kazza or something because it’s not worth paying for a whole album for. 1.5/5
5. “Metallica (1991)” It took them almost 10 years to release a self-titled album? Usually that’s the first fucking album name a band picks! I’m sorry, but I can’t fucking get my mind off of how stupid that is while trying to listen to the music! Fuck this album. 1/5
6. “Load (1996)” Alright, so you may think this album is okay, right? But just look at the title of their next fucking album!
7. “ReLoad (1997)” What the fuck!? I’m paying twice for the same fucking album!? Fuck that shit! Don’t even bother buying it once! 1/5
8. “St. Anger (2003)” This was the first Metallica album my parents let me listen to, so I have some pretty fond memories of it growing up. I heard that the lead single won a Grammy Award for Best Metal Performance, which is pretty fucking awesome, since Slipknot and System of a Down have won Grammys too. Definitely buy this CD: It’s worth every fuckin’ cent and it’s sweet as hell. 5/5
9. “Death Magnetic (2008)” Just when you thought there was no topping St. Anger, Death Magnetic comes out and rocks your fucking face! Definitely the best audio quality of any of their albums so far, and the guitars are fucking sweet as fuck. one time, I was playing it really loud, and my parents came into the room and told me to turn it down. But I was fucking headbanging so hard and I was so fucking pumped, I just made it even louder! They got so fucking pissed! Album of the year right here bitches, and probably the best album of all fucking time! ROCK TEH FUCK OUT! 6/5
-TheFuckingMetalMan94